Monday, June 29, 2009

How Things Can Change...

I wrote this when I was working, and Alex talked me out of posting for the simple fact that, if anyone I worked with were to somehow find my blog and read it, it could stir the pot. So here it is, it was 2 measly months into my job.

I guess I was content in my simple little world, living on a budget and being with my crazy and difficult kids. it's that saying that the grass isn't always greener on the other side. don't get me wrong, I like working and bring in the dinero, but I just didn't realize that I hadn't faced the world in such a long time. Are people really that evil? How desperate is the person that can't just be happy with what they've got? they have to meddle and poke and tease like we are in the 1st grade. Less than 2 months and I feel myself in such a somber mood after coming home from work today. I already didn't feel good, so it was a the little things that got me hurt. I thought I was really tough, but I guess over the past 3 years being Susie homemaker I lost that skin, all I had left were some mom gloves and pretty words. That's fine, it'll come back, I am good at being angry when I want to be. but I don't want to be, at least not that often, it never feels good afterward like being happy does. it never hit home how judgmental people could be with just a simple look, as it has now that I am outside of my bubble. Suck it up, I know, but it is so much easier said than done on days like today. my child-like side that everyone has, says "it's not fair," and the woman in me says, "show em what you've got, and don't back down, and don't ever turn your back." I really am a genuinely happy and honest, and nice person, but nice doesn't always cut, it, and I have been through enough in my short life to know that, I choose when to be tough and when to be sensitive most the time, I guess it is just harder than I though after being away from the real people for so long. And church doesn't count either, because most people aren't the way they are in church.

Are you pickin' up what I'm puttin' down??? I used to think that being a mom was harder than being an employee...but I think I might change my perspective on that one. Being a mom, and working, and coming home after dealing with the "real world" is harder than being a SAHM will ever be. No offense to any of you reading this...don't forget that I was there for 3 years.

So, there you have it. Before I built my "skin" back up. And it happened fast, which I won't say I am proud of. It's oddly unsurprising, but annoying, how a place like where I worked can change you in an instant. NO MATTER how hard you try, it changes SOME part of you. I am slowly but surely getting back to ME. I am enjoying being at home. In fact, my hubby smiled at me at the dinner table tonight after a hard, late day at work and commented after something he had told me, "besides, I like having you home. I missed it and you have some kids to teach come September. I love you." It sounds simple, but of course the way he said it, and the way I heard it, was calming and sweet and made my heart melt.


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